Magic Snake Oil.

Power Balance Bracelets, have you seen them? Have you tried them? They are an amazing product. Apparently, they contain a hologram that vibrates at the same frequency as the brown note, make you a super gymnast, a better parent, and $30 poorer.

I have, through, exhaustive unscientific research, figured out how they work. They are $h!t. That's right, they are made of actual dung. But not just any dung. The dung of mountain goats, which we all know, have really good balance. That makes sense right? Well, it makes as about as much sense as the actual claims made by the bracelet. If you check out their website:http://www.powerbalance.com/powerbalance you will notice they actually don't say that it does anything at all. Just that it is favored by athletes where power, balance, flexibility, good looks, and huge endorsement deals are important. I may have made a few of those up.

Why do I care? Because when I get up on stage I say I'm doing magic tricks. I don't claim to have any sort of supernatural ability (other than amazing hair) but these folks are using old magic tricks to sell snake oil and that pisses me off. If anyone remembers Johnathan Edwards, Sylvia Brown, or Miss. Cleo, you may know what I'm talking about. They were Television physics that talked to dead people or saw the future. I pretend to predict things in my act but you pay for the whole show and you know its BS. These people charge poor unfortunate souls per session to talk to ghosts. It just winds my crank. Anyone who uses magic tricks, claiming they are true, to take people's money deserve a slow, painful, death.

If you watch any of the video pitches for balance bracelets in them they perform a balance test. First they have the victim (er I mean patient) stand and they basically push them over. Then they give them the bracelet and do the exact same thing again. Well, guess what? You don't fall over as much. My God! It must be the bracelet! Or could it be so simple that you know what to expect so you sub-conscientiously prepare for it? I'll make you a bet it's number two.

Holy Crap. It's conditioning. Ring Pavlov's bell the fight it over. So it's science. But if you cloak it in deception, that to me makes it a magic trick. And oh my ire you stir when you take magic tricks and claim they are true.

So, stay clear of Medical Quackery and don't do magic tricks and claim they are science or you I will stab you with an unbreakable pocket comb switchblade.

In the Beginning....

...was the word. So, word. To your momma.

I've always liked New Years Eve. Not for the reasons you are thinking. Sure the gigs are good. Yeah, I enjoy a party just as much as anyone else. But the real reason I like it, is that it's one of those times where you are really encouraged to look forward and plan.

When you graduate it is called "commencement." I'm sure most people think the word means, "the end of school" but it really means the beginning of something. Around Thanksgiving people start "looking back" at the year they have had. There is no harm in looking back. You cannot know where you are going without knowing where you have been but I think there is too much time spent on looking back. Then comes the New Year and everyone instantly sets their gaze forward. But for how long and to what purpose? Have you ever been to the gym on January 2nd? It's packed. I mean crazy busy. My favorite part is the people standing in line to run on the treadmill. They do know they can just run around the gym or outside (if it's not barbarian cold outside). Anyway, go on the 3rd, less people. The 6th, even less. And by the 15th its back to the regulars. What happens? Everyone says, I'm going to get in shape and then they trail off. Why? The same reason most people don't finish most things; they fail to plan.

Ah, the plan. The stinky, stinky, plan. Everyone has one. But how many people have written it down? Who has broken it down into doable actions? Who has short, medium, and long term goals as part of their plan?

Being a Chicago Magician, specializing in magic for corporate and college events, I've had years with a plan and years without a plan and let me tell you. The years with a plan worked out much better.

So start now and I'll see you in the future.

Edd answers readers mail

We've now come to my new favorite segment of the blog: Ask a Chicago Comedy Magician

Reader Lisa A asks: What's the difference between an effect and a production?

Thanks for the question Lisa and thanks for reading my blog. Effect and production are two magician terms for things everyone else calls something else. See, magicians usually think very highly of themselves. So much so that the common magician word for non-magicians is “laity” or “lay people.” Which is the same term that clergy use for non-clergy people. So magicians think of themselves in the same order as priests. Which, I might add, is probably not a group magicians what to get lumped in with right now. I know what some of you are saying, “I thought it was 'muggle.'” Well it's not. First off, that word just came into popular use in the last 10 years or so and magicians have thought better of themselves for centuries. Also, I think if you use that word professionally you have to pay JK Rowling a commission.

So, back to the question at hand. What is an effect? It's a fancy word for “trick.” Most people would say, “The magician performed the trick where he links and un-links the rings.” Well, “trick” was too unrefined for the tail coat and top hat crowd. So, they call them effects. The magician would say, “I performed the linking rings effect.” Give me a break.

The word production can mean two things. A theatrical show is often called a production and trust me putting on a theatrical show is a production. In magician-ese “production” is the term for what most folks would call a magical appearance. The members of society that don't pretend to have magical powers would say,”He did that trick where he made the elephant appear.” When magicians use the word production I can't decide if they are making the elephant in a factory or if they are birthing it on stage. The first would be really boring and the second is illegal in Illinois.

Next time on Magician Madness, we answer more reader mail.

Edd Fairman is a corporate and comedy magician from Chicago. He lives with a 1000 crazy pets and one beautiful assistant.

Thanks, now please pass the Turkey.

Well it's happened again. I've been gone from my blog for too long but this time it was Thanksgivings fault! Erin and I hosted our friends Geoff and Kate and their dogs for a wonderful meal. Erin made the best turkey I've ever had (sorry Mom and Grandma). Here is a picture of it right after Geoff started to carve it.

Isn't that thing gorgeous? And it was oh so good!

Speaking of Thanksgiving I'm going to give thanks right here right now. Being a comedy magician one has to have a great support network. I am very lucky to have one. My family has always been super supportive of what I've wanted to do. Never once did they tell me to get "a real job." My father built some of the props that I still use today. My mother sewed costumes and my sister was my lovely assistant for a time. My parents did give me some very practical advice. My father relayed to me the old maxim, "Work smarter, not harder." My mother's advice was bit more family survival orientated. She said, "Don't do anything you will regret later." I think she was talking about pornography but she may have also meant crappy movies and magic shows dressed as Batman (ah as story for another time).

My Grandparents have also been a great support. I am very lucky to still have three living grandparents. My Grandma Cramer got me one of my first gigs when I performed for a dinner at her senior center. My Grandpap Fairman refurbished and antique card table for me that I still occasionally use. That is not to forget all my aunts and uncles. My Aunt Judy is one of my biggest fans and any show she attends she is easy to spot. She laughs so hard at anything I say she sometimes cries. My Aunt Regina is always slipping a few bucks into my pocket when I visit home, “for gas money” and my whole family has hired me more than once to perform at the family Christmas Party.

When you move 500 miles from your nearest family member the support network you relay on are you friends. I have to say (of course I am biased) that I have the best friends in the world! I know if I need anything they are always there to help. More than likely most of the people reading this blog are the very friends I am talking about. So, Thanks.

December is a very busy month for me with many corporate comedy magic shows packed into the first three weeks. Then I will be off to Pennsylvania to visit my family. So, I hope not to be gone too long again.

Where have I been all my life?

I know what you are thinking, “I've been reading Magician Madness every week and I loved its humor and I dream every night that I would wake up one day and be Edd Fairman. But where has he and the blog been?” There are a few excuses, and a few reasons for that. But first, thank you so much for noticing I am so awesome that you dream to be me each night.

So why haven't I written in almost a month?

Excuses:

I was trapped in a mine. Not in Chile. And not very far underground. Actually it wasn't even a mine, it was just a pile of junk in my basement storage room that fell on me. Ok, so trapped is probably a strong word but annoyed is definitely the right emotion.

I was dead at the time. This also explains why I haven't paid my Chicago Property taxes. So, stop asking Maria Pappas.

My dog ate my blog. Any of you that have met my dog, Teller (not the magician) knows he could eat a blog. In the past he has eaten a discussion board, a bulletin board, and a dart board.

I was waiting for the perfect time to post this blog. And today (no matter what day you are reading this) is the perfect day. According to a tarot reader, a astrologer, and the perfect amount of left overs in my fridge (just enough to not have too cook but not so much that you get bored with them) today was the day I had to post this blog.

Reasons:

I was really busy.

I was in Davenport. I realize that sounds like an excuse but really it's a reason. I was really busy there. For four days I attended the APCA Midwest programing conference. I was there to promote my Comedy Magic Show for Colleges and Universities. It was a great experience. I got to meet 40 of the Student Activity Directors from around the Midwest. I had an exhibit booth and I did a performance during one of the many showcases.

Here is a picture of the booth:

I think it looks really professional. The banners were designed by Karl Ziemer of Karl Fred Design. Erin did all the booth decorating and arranging. I should have a video of my performance to post soon. I will update here.

I really want to thank Erin and Dennis Watkins (http://www.denniswatkins.net) for all their help at the conference. This was Erin and my first conference and Dennis was a familiar face and he had some good advice. I also got to hang out with my friend and local Chicago entertainer, Sheri Winkleman (http://www.marilynshows.com).

The Real Work

People always ask me about my job. Being a comic magician is a great way to make a living. I guess people ask because it's such an unusual job. If I think about it, I really only work about 8 hours a week. But that is a very select interpretation. I only perform a few hours a week but I work probably closer to 70 hours a week. After I write that number I am inclined to ask myself, "Why?" Part of it comes down to what Chris Rock says. "When you have a career you never have enough time. When you have a job there is too much time."

You can see the clip I am talking about here. Warning it is filled with adult language and is not safe for work. It is Chris Rock, so you probably know what to expect.

Actually I am working right now; reminding you that I am a comedy magician for college and corporate events. But that's not really what this is about is it? I am working many hours but my goal is to get much of my business hands off and automated. The first thing I did was hire an assistant. Right now she only works 8 hours a week for me but I am planning as my business grows she will be working more. The work never actually goes away it has to be dispersed or distributed. That used to be a very hard thing for me. I never used to trust anyone to do anything that involved my business. Learning to trust is such an important thing but so hard to do. I don't care how many times you fall into the arms of a friend or a group at camp it's not the same when its your lively hood. Heck, when I was a teenager I used to jump and fall off of things all the time for laughs. So how does one learn to trust? I can answer that but of course there is a “How To” article that will teach you in only 7 steps! As Colonel Potter used to say, “Horse Hockey!”

Boy this is a bit of a meandering post today but I've been away from this blog for so long. I was out of town for 10 days attending my sister's wedding and doing a show. Which I plan to write about at some point. Well until then dear readers, Namaste.

Seriously People, I'm trying to be funny here.

Comedy is a dangerous business. What I may think is super funny may not be funny to you at all. In my comedy magic show I often improvise with the audience volunteers and with situations that arise during the show. This of course leads to certain number of jokes that don't work. I think of it as a matter of percentage. If you tell more jokes in a day than the average person then you will have a larger number of them bomb. Boy there is no feeling quite like coming up with something on the spot that you think is hilarious and it just falls flat. It's like a little part of you dies right there on stage. Of course when a bit hits that you've just created right there it's like you suddenly grow wings.

So, this is where you have to ask yourself, "Do I risk it?" I know some comedians that if they think something is funny they will say it, no matter what. Even if no one laughs night after night. Of course there have been comedians who broke new ground and barriers doing this but there have also been others who just languished in obscurity. There are also examples of comedians who are very precise in their material and never say anything that would offend. There are many examples of this type, most of whom were given sitcoms. So, as a comedian I have to ask myself, do I only do material they couldn't possibly offend or do I do I stay true to myself?

Staying true to myself doesn't mean I'm going to go around and say lots of naughty words but it does mean I'm going to have some fun. I recently read an article about performing magic for businesses and corporate functions that said you can never joke about the boss or the employees. Sure you don't want to make the hackney old jokes about the boss or the underlings but geez if you can't even take a joke maybe you shouldn't hire a comic magician. Sure a guy who is over weight doesn't want to be called fat nor is that very funny. It's too easy. I still haven't found a name for the type of comedy I do. My friend Jason describes it as Gentle mocking or Humble teasing. I guess if you can't take that you shouldn't hire me.

I can just hear some of my business guru pals freaking out by me saying that someone shouldn't hire me. But if I have to choose between not getting a gig and being generic I'll choose not getting the gig.

Remember folks, keep it funny and keep it honest.