When you are this cold...

It's hard to be funny when it's below zero. It's hard to be funny when you all you really want to do is hide under the covers until summer. Every year it happens. Every year around now I just don't feel the funny. But guess what? The audience doesn't care. So what is a comedy magician to do? LIE! Yup. LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

When I feel crappy and I'm just not feeling the funny, I lie to myself. I tell myself that I am feeling very funny. I say to myself that I am in a great mood. Self delusion is a powerful tool when used for good of course. When your job is to create an illusion its best to start with yourself. I also tell myself I'm six foot tall, still have a 30 inch waist, and have been to India. I'm not sure why its India but it sounds interesting. It's important to be interesting. If you find that your own life isn't interesting I recommend making stuff up. It's fun. It's creative and it will keep away Alzheimer's.

When one goes to lie to oneself about something, it is very important to be careful. Little lies: good. Big lies: not so good. Exaggerations about something that really did happen: very good. Lying about something that can be proven false: very bad. This past weekend I performed for a man named Glen Miller. So saying that I performed for Glen Miller isn't a lie. Saying it was the world famous musician is a lie. It's a very bad lie because it is very easy to prove that A)the musician Glen Miller is dead. B) he died before I was born. And C) no one would care even if it was the real Glen Miller because no one cares about jazz anymore.

So, stick to unprovable, unimportant lies. Oh and only lie to yourself. Not other people. That would be dishonest. It is only acceptable to lie to other people if you are a magician (and it vanished), politician (I did not have relations with that woman.), doctor (You've got a least six months to live), parent (Santa is watching), neighbor (Your lawn looks great), boy friend (No those jeans do not make you look fat) or anyone not wanting to get in trouble (I was just saying). Otherwise lying should be avoided at all costs. It sullies one's reputation and makes them look bad among people no one really cares about.

I am sure that most self help guru's would call it the "power of positive thinking" but they are just lying to you and themselves.


About the Author: Edd Fairman is a comedy corporate and college magician residing in Chicago who never lies (except just now) and is available for your next event.

Putting the kids to work.

Earlier this week I sent an email to many of my corporate clients about the up coming Take Your Kids to Work day. If your office is planning a day or you know someone who is, take a look at my tips:

Take your Child to Work Day Tips

This year Take Your Child to Work Day is nationally slated for April 28, 2011 but many offices choose a day that works best for them. If your office is planning on participating this year, you need to have a plan for the day. Activity Suggestions Tour: Schedule a tour of the company with short explanations of what happens in each area. If you can find an object that the kids can follow through the procedure can be fun and helpful. They can follow a case, a file, a customer order, etc. Crafts: Have the kids think of what job they might like to do when they grow up and draw a picture of that job. Also, companies like Fun Express and Oriental Trading Company offer fun prepackaged craft kits. (Photo frames are a great idea). Photo time: Take picture of the child at Mom or Dad's desk for the the above mentioned photo frames. Lunch: Pizza is always a favorite. Entertainment: It can't be all work and no play. Hiring a professional entertainer can take the stress out of the day. About the Author Edd Fairman, Wizard of Sorts is a professional corporate and family magician based in Chicago. He has performed for 1000's of clients and dozens of Bring Your Child to Work Days. You can find out more about him at http://www.wizardofsorts.com

Who's to blame for all of this?

As February approaches with all of the Blue and Gold Banquets, I start to think back to how I got started in all of this. First a bit of explanation. A Blue and Gold Banquet is the yearly celebration of Boy Scouting's birthday. Cub Scout packs, consisting of boys ages 6 to 12 and their families have a meal, entertainment and usually have a ceremony where the oldest boys "graduate" into Boy Scouts.

When I was 6 years old I joined my local Cub Scout pack and in February we had a magician perform. His name is Bob Beatty and at the time he was an Elementary School Principal in Johnstown, PA. That was really the beginning of the end of it all for me. That year my parent's got me a magic kit for my birthday and then another one for Christmas.

My scouting career and magic both grew and I went on to earn the rank of Eagle Scout, the highest rank in scouting. Now, each February I perform at many Blue and Gold Banquets. I feel in a small way I am giving back to what scouting and Bob Beatty have given to me.

As a comedy magician I know I'm not setting kids on a path to save lives but I may inspire the next great comedian. You never know.

About the author: Edd Fairman is a Chicago Magician who performs for companies, colleges, and private events.

New, big, exciting things postponed so instead...

So, I planned on doing a video blog this week. Yup that's right a vlog, which I am sure is the same sound I make when I've had too much Thai food, but technology has conspired against me. So instead you get this plain old bloggy blog.

I was going to show you the big, exciting thing I was talking about in said video so that will have to wait. In the mean time I will treat you to some random thoughts I have had:

Old curmudgeons like me say that young women are dressing more and more like prostitutes every year. So, what are prostitutes dressing like? Also, what does a prostitute wear on her day off?

When did looking like a hillbilly become popular?

Do you think they will make a Willie Nelson bio-pic soon? Does having a music bio pic done about you assure your immediate death or just hasten it?

Gloves are just socks for your hands. Especially when you wear socks as gloves.

Instead of trying to change how we look to be considered good looking why don't we just change what is considered good looking? Me? I'm thinking short, dumpy, and graying, is totally going to be in next year.

If the internet is a series of tubes my slow, bloated, computer is a hairball in the drain of technology.

The following picture is considered hazardous to your health. View with caution:

"Oh, so wrong."

And with that, I must leave you because I must soap my eyes.

About the Author: Edd Fairman is a Chicago magician who specializes in comedy magic for corporate and college events. He lives in sin with his girlfriend, 2 dogs, cat, and rabbit.

Magic Snake Oil.

Power Balance Bracelets, have you seen them? Have you tried them? They are an amazing product. Apparently, they contain a hologram that vibrates at the same frequency as the brown note, make you a super gymnast, a better parent, and $30 poorer.

I have, through, exhaustive unscientific research, figured out how they work. They are $h!t. That's right, they are made of actual dung. But not just any dung. The dung of mountain goats, which we all know, have really good balance. That makes sense right? Well, it makes as about as much sense as the actual claims made by the bracelet. If you check out their website:http://www.powerbalance.com/powerbalance you will notice they actually don't say that it does anything at all. Just that it is favored by athletes where power, balance, flexibility, good looks, and huge endorsement deals are important. I may have made a few of those up.

Why do I care? Because when I get up on stage I say I'm doing magic tricks. I don't claim to have any sort of supernatural ability (other than amazing hair) but these folks are using old magic tricks to sell snake oil and that pisses me off. If anyone remembers Johnathan Edwards, Sylvia Brown, or Miss. Cleo, you may know what I'm talking about. They were Television physics that talked to dead people or saw the future. I pretend to predict things in my act but you pay for the whole show and you know its BS. These people charge poor unfortunate souls per session to talk to ghosts. It just winds my crank. Anyone who uses magic tricks, claiming they are true, to take people's money deserve a slow, painful, death.

If you watch any of the video pitches for balance bracelets in them they perform a balance test. First they have the victim (er I mean patient) stand and they basically push them over. Then they give them the bracelet and do the exact same thing again. Well, guess what? You don't fall over as much. My God! It must be the bracelet! Or could it be so simple that you know what to expect so you sub-conscientiously prepare for it? I'll make you a bet it's number two.

Holy Crap. It's conditioning. Ring Pavlov's bell the fight it over. So it's science. But if you cloak it in deception, that to me makes it a magic trick. And oh my ire you stir when you take magic tricks and claim they are true.

So, stay clear of Medical Quackery and don't do magic tricks and claim they are science or you I will stab you with an unbreakable pocket comb switchblade.

In the Beginning....

...was the word. So, word. To your momma.

I've always liked New Years Eve. Not for the reasons you are thinking. Sure the gigs are good. Yeah, I enjoy a party just as much as anyone else. But the real reason I like it, is that it's one of those times where you are really encouraged to look forward and plan.

When you graduate it is called "commencement." I'm sure most people think the word means, "the end of school" but it really means the beginning of something. Around Thanksgiving people start "looking back" at the year they have had. There is no harm in looking back. You cannot know where you are going without knowing where you have been but I think there is too much time spent on looking back. Then comes the New Year and everyone instantly sets their gaze forward. But for how long and to what purpose? Have you ever been to the gym on January 2nd? It's packed. I mean crazy busy. My favorite part is the people standing in line to run on the treadmill. They do know they can just run around the gym or outside (if it's not barbarian cold outside). Anyway, go on the 3rd, less people. The 6th, even less. And by the 15th its back to the regulars. What happens? Everyone says, I'm going to get in shape and then they trail off. Why? The same reason most people don't finish most things; they fail to plan.

Ah, the plan. The stinky, stinky, plan. Everyone has one. But how many people have written it down? Who has broken it down into doable actions? Who has short, medium, and long term goals as part of their plan?

Being a Chicago Magician, specializing in magic for corporate and college events, I've had years with a plan and years without a plan and let me tell you. The years with a plan worked out much better.

So start now and I'll see you in the future.

Edd answers readers mail

We've now come to my new favorite segment of the blog: Ask a Chicago Comedy Magician

Reader Lisa A asks: What's the difference between an effect and a production?

Thanks for the question Lisa and thanks for reading my blog. Effect and production are two magician terms for things everyone else calls something else. See, magicians usually think very highly of themselves. So much so that the common magician word for non-magicians is “laity” or “lay people.” Which is the same term that clergy use for non-clergy people. So magicians think of themselves in the same order as priests. Which, I might add, is probably not a group magicians what to get lumped in with right now. I know what some of you are saying, “I thought it was 'muggle.'” Well it's not. First off, that word just came into popular use in the last 10 years or so and magicians have thought better of themselves for centuries. Also, I think if you use that word professionally you have to pay JK Rowling a commission.

So, back to the question at hand. What is an effect? It's a fancy word for “trick.” Most people would say, “The magician performed the trick where he links and un-links the rings.” Well, “trick” was too unrefined for the tail coat and top hat crowd. So, they call them effects. The magician would say, “I performed the linking rings effect.” Give me a break.

The word production can mean two things. A theatrical show is often called a production and trust me putting on a theatrical show is a production. In magician-ese “production” is the term for what most folks would call a magical appearance. The members of society that don't pretend to have magical powers would say,”He did that trick where he made the elephant appear.” When magicians use the word production I can't decide if they are making the elephant in a factory or if they are birthing it on stage. The first would be really boring and the second is illegal in Illinois.

Next time on Magician Madness, we answer more reader mail.

Edd Fairman is a corporate and comedy magician from Chicago. He lives with a 1000 crazy pets and one beautiful assistant.