Magic Snake Oil.

Power Balance Bracelets, have you seen them? Have you tried them? They are an amazing product. Apparently, they contain a hologram that vibrates at the same frequency as the brown note, make you a super gymnast, a better parent, and $30 poorer.

I have, through, exhaustive unscientific research, figured out how they work. They are $h!t. That's right, they are made of actual dung. But not just any dung. The dung of mountain goats, which we all know, have really good balance. That makes sense right? Well, it makes as about as much sense as the actual claims made by the bracelet. If you check out their website:http://www.powerbalance.com/powerbalance you will notice they actually don't say that it does anything at all. Just that it is favored by athletes where power, balance, flexibility, good looks, and huge endorsement deals are important. I may have made a few of those up.

Why do I care? Because when I get up on stage I say I'm doing magic tricks. I don't claim to have any sort of supernatural ability (other than amazing hair) but these folks are using old magic tricks to sell snake oil and that pisses me off. If anyone remembers Johnathan Edwards, Sylvia Brown, or Miss. Cleo, you may know what I'm talking about. They were Television physics that talked to dead people or saw the future. I pretend to predict things in my act but you pay for the whole show and you know its BS. These people charge poor unfortunate souls per session to talk to ghosts. It just winds my crank. Anyone who uses magic tricks, claiming they are true, to take people's money deserve a slow, painful, death.

If you watch any of the video pitches for balance bracelets in them they perform a balance test. First they have the victim (er I mean patient) stand and they basically push them over. Then they give them the bracelet and do the exact same thing again. Well, guess what? You don't fall over as much. My God! It must be the bracelet! Or could it be so simple that you know what to expect so you sub-conscientiously prepare for it? I'll make you a bet it's number two.

Holy Crap. It's conditioning. Ring Pavlov's bell the fight it over. So it's science. But if you cloak it in deception, that to me makes it a magic trick. And oh my ire you stir when you take magic tricks and claim they are true.

So, stay clear of Medical Quackery and don't do magic tricks and claim they are science or you I will stab you with an unbreakable pocket comb switchblade.

In the Beginning....

...was the word. So, word. To your momma.

I've always liked New Years Eve. Not for the reasons you are thinking. Sure the gigs are good. Yeah, I enjoy a party just as much as anyone else. But the real reason I like it, is that it's one of those times where you are really encouraged to look forward and plan.

When you graduate it is called "commencement." I'm sure most people think the word means, "the end of school" but it really means the beginning of something. Around Thanksgiving people start "looking back" at the year they have had. There is no harm in looking back. You cannot know where you are going without knowing where you have been but I think there is too much time spent on looking back. Then comes the New Year and everyone instantly sets their gaze forward. But for how long and to what purpose? Have you ever been to the gym on January 2nd? It's packed. I mean crazy busy. My favorite part is the people standing in line to run on the treadmill. They do know they can just run around the gym or outside (if it's not barbarian cold outside). Anyway, go on the 3rd, less people. The 6th, even less. And by the 15th its back to the regulars. What happens? Everyone says, I'm going to get in shape and then they trail off. Why? The same reason most people don't finish most things; they fail to plan.

Ah, the plan. The stinky, stinky, plan. Everyone has one. But how many people have written it down? Who has broken it down into doable actions? Who has short, medium, and long term goals as part of their plan?

Being a Chicago Magician, specializing in magic for corporate and college events, I've had years with a plan and years without a plan and let me tell you. The years with a plan worked out much better.

So start now and I'll see you in the future.

Edd answers readers mail

We've now come to my new favorite segment of the blog: Ask a Chicago Comedy Magician

Reader Lisa A asks: What's the difference between an effect and a production?

Thanks for the question Lisa and thanks for reading my blog. Effect and production are two magician terms for things everyone else calls something else. See, magicians usually think very highly of themselves. So much so that the common magician word for non-magicians is “laity” or “lay people.” Which is the same term that clergy use for non-clergy people. So magicians think of themselves in the same order as priests. Which, I might add, is probably not a group magicians what to get lumped in with right now. I know what some of you are saying, “I thought it was 'muggle.'” Well it's not. First off, that word just came into popular use in the last 10 years or so and magicians have thought better of themselves for centuries. Also, I think if you use that word professionally you have to pay JK Rowling a commission.

So, back to the question at hand. What is an effect? It's a fancy word for “trick.” Most people would say, “The magician performed the trick where he links and un-links the rings.” Well, “trick” was too unrefined for the tail coat and top hat crowd. So, they call them effects. The magician would say, “I performed the linking rings effect.” Give me a break.

The word production can mean two things. A theatrical show is often called a production and trust me putting on a theatrical show is a production. In magician-ese “production” is the term for what most folks would call a magical appearance. The members of society that don't pretend to have magical powers would say,”He did that trick where he made the elephant appear.” When magicians use the word production I can't decide if they are making the elephant in a factory or if they are birthing it on stage. The first would be really boring and the second is illegal in Illinois.

Next time on Magician Madness, we answer more reader mail.

Edd Fairman is a corporate and comedy magician from Chicago. He lives with a 1000 crazy pets and one beautiful assistant.